Well, I wrote this awhile ago, so forgive me if it's a little behind the times, but still...
avgp's Celebrity Tabloid Journal: All the sh*t that ends up flushed.
- Katie Holmes is currently seeking to divorce Tom Cruise citing irreconcilable differences.
'If I wanted to join a cult, I would've had a sex change, cut it off, and joined those Halle Bop fruitcakes and went into space.' - says Katie.
Tom is naturally speechless.
'If I knew she wanted to travel, we would've converted to Jehovah's Witnesses...'
- It appears at the age 50, Madonna seems to be going through a mid-life crisis. Madonna wants to produce a series of sex self help tapes featuring her.
The first tape is slated to focus on the oral portion of the sex act.
But, Madonna is having trouble finding a willing actor.
Wishing to remain anonymous, one actor was afraid of his health and safety.
'Hey, I'm scared because this might be the first time I would be with someone who had all their teeth!'
In other news, the Olsen Twins are currently seeking an injunction against former fellow actor, Bob Sagat, over a supposed sex tape he made of the twins when they were 10 years old. The tapes shows them in a bathtub.
When reached for comment, the Twins had this to say:
'Hey, if anyone is going to cash in on this sex tape thing, it's gonna be us!'
All three of them appeared in the 80's sitcom, Full House.
- Talks are underway for a new Raiders of the Lost Ark film, but Harrison Ford is afraid for his girlfriend, Calista Flockhart.
'Last time I left her home alone, the cats were using her for a piece of string.'
In science news, Angelina Jolie has agreed to donate her unusual lips to scientists at NASA when she dies.
'We're grateful for what Ms. Jolie is doing. For years there has been speculation about her lips. Clearly, there are not of this planet. And now we will know for sure.' One rocket scientist has stated.
A domestic disturbance has been reported at the apartment of the well known comedy duo of Bert and Ernie. Known for years for their work on the popular children's show 'Sesame Street.'
Initial reports have Bert being chased around the apartment while Ernie was swinging some sort of weapon. Neighbors called when they heard voices.
'I thought I told ya a 1000 times! I DON'T ROLL LIKE THAT, YOU CRACKER' was reported to police.
The D.A.'s office has refused to comment on the case.
'Elmo don't understand...what does f*ggot mean? Maybe Elmo will ask Gordon...' said Elmo, a co-star of the two when asked.
On the music scene, it was just learned that Micheal Bolton has expressed an interest in working on a project with Ceine Dion.
Record executives from both labels have cited a 1945 U.N. ruling.
'Basically, it says that under NO circumstances are we allowed to have two pompous asses on one album. As much as good as it might sound, we don't want a international incident...' was the official statement.
On the cooking scene, TV chef, Rachael Ray is in talks with Food Network about changing the name of her show from '30 minutes meals' to '15 minute meals'.
The reason? Rachael Ray discovered the microwave.
'How long have these been out there? All this time, I have been busting my ass while everyone else was taking it easy? That is not delish. And my producer said stop wearing a bra so we can boost ratings...what a *sshhole!'
Thanks for reading! Enjoy!
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